Okay, did anyone see these debates? Maybe I'm sick and twisted, like my therapist says (a small pink elephant named Fred that's given me some good advice over the years), or maybe you shouldn't drink a bottle of cough syrup and watch the presidential debates and Aqua Teen Hunger Force in the same night. Here's a little recount of the highlights and some commentary:

``President'' Bush started things off with a brief explanation on his health care plan. Suffice it to say, there will be some dental cuts:

Bush: ``Plaque is a figment of the liberal media and the dental industry to scare you into buying useless appliances and pastes. Now I've read the arguments on both sides. And I haven't found any evidence yet to support the need to brush your teeth -- ever.''

That really set the tone for the whole night. Soon, the topic inevitably moved from domestic issues to foreign policy, and Iraq. I was surprised how eloquently the President handled himself when confronted about the Iraqi prisoners:

Kerry: ``What do you plan on doing about the thousands....maybe tens of thousands Iraqi detainees and insurgents that seem to present a gaping security problem?''
Bush: ``We'll use them for the armies...in the coalition of the willing.''
Kerry: ``Now I thought you were going to use the American army to be the coalition of the willing--''
Bush: ``Different army, dorkface! This army will take over the rest of the mideast. Do you see how my mind works? Its like a laser.''

Many of the analysts thought the ``dorkface'' remark was a bit over the top, but it played out well with the audience. This seemed to be Bush's most significant intellectual victory over Kerry in this debate, even though top Whitehouse officials later said that they had no previous knowledge of Bush's plan to use the Iraqi insurgents in the US military effort.

Later, the topic turned to Kerry's service record in Vietnam. Maybe he was riding on the success of his ``dorkface'' comment, but the audience didn't seem to appreciate Bush's attack on Kerry here:

Bush: ``Awww..did you go to Vietnam, John? Let me shed some tears for your fake plastic toes.''

John Kerry seemed to be able to win back a few points here when asked by the President what he remembered about his service record:

Kerry: ``Well, I remember eating carpet...not so much the lasers and the robots.''

The ``eating carpet'' was surprising admission here...to his wife, especially, I think. But President Bush's idea that the Vietnam war was fought with lasers and robots was something he couldn't convince the audience of. But he did stick to his guns here:

Bush: ``The war of man against machine raged on throughout the early '70s. You do not remember because back then, it was only a prophecy. But now, in the future, the past has occured.''
Kerry: ``Can I just ask you a quick question? Where were you when I was serving in Vietnam?''
Bush: ``I am a robot.''
Kerry: ``Uh...well...obviously. What, are you stupid?''

But for all these hard-hitting exchanges, in the end, it was two-party politics as usual when the candidates made their closing statements:

Bush: ``I am looking forward to an orderly election, which will eliminate the need for a violent blood bath.'' Kerry: ``It makes no difference which one of us you vote for. Either way, your planet is doomed. DOOMED!''

Jim Lehrer: ``Well, a refreshingly frank response there from senator John Kerry.''

Don't blame me, I voted for Kodos.