I love girls. I generally don't particularly care anything for talking to guys about philosophy or what not. But having a deep conversation with a girl....its about the best thing in my life. I tend to think about these things too much. Why is it that I have a need to have someone in my life and why is it that that someone has to be a girl? I don't want to have kids, so that's not a factor. I love affection and, of course, like having sex (even with the obvious caveat that there is no clear reason for me to like this since I don't care about procreation), but there is more to it than that.

I've come to realize recently that the reason that I like girls is that I am programmed to like girls. I guess that shouldn't be a big revelation. But to really realize that something so innate to my being is just programming ... well, it hit me kinda hard. This has several direct consequences:

Perhaps it is a lack of creativity, but I can't imagine any happiness in a life without having someone to share it with. I can fill my time with activities. But without someone to share them with, of what worth are they? ("To what end?")

I guess I always assumed that I would end up with someone. Maybe not the love of my life, but someone. Now, that seems a lot less definitive. I don't know how to feel about this. Should I be sad that my lot is likely to be miserable, for though I can sit and contemplate past a standard deviation for a modern ape to perceive that my social skills are crippled by conditioning and mental illness and that, for playing the "game" of scoring the best mate, I am horribly equipped? Or should I be glad that, despite a brief span of misery, a few dozen lunar cycles shadowed against the life of a star, I will have at least not sheltered myself from truth???

Interestingly, I've found when I talk about my need for a companion, I get one of two reactions. Either people acquiesce and completely support the supposition, "Humans are social creatures. Of course you will be lonely without a girlfriend. Don't worry, you'll find someone," or they go against this completely and say, "Romance isn't important. Just be in the moment and/or pursue your interests." People tend not to be aware that people are different. What fits well for one person does not necessarily fit well for someone else. I am not one of those people that finds innate meaning in life without having someone to share it with. Maybe I'd be better off if I did, but I don't. I'm not built that way. As for the first class of people, its the "You'll find someone" I find so objectionable. That's not really guaranteed. Its nice to think that the universe magically provides, and it probably does in more subtle ways than our monkey brains can understand. But there are horrors too, and being alone for the rest of my life is really not something huge to the vast everything.

Looking around, I'm not the only one with these problems. Maybe my problem is that I can't just be happy on my own. But maybe there's more to it than that. We humans conduct ourselves like we are rational thinkers, but in reality there are a number of human conventions that are taken simply to be. You're not really supposed to question them. If you do, most people just get confused. You're supposed to have kids. Why? Is it because that is something everyone enjoys? Is it because our evolution is not caught up to the fact that there are too many people on the earth, such that it is a parallel need to my "needing someone" that is just in-born that I don't happen to have? One thing I can assure....the people that believe that having kids will "make the world better" are fooling themselves. We're not that smart, and there are much more effective ways to affect change on the Earth than to have a child of unknown genetic variables. Quite frankly, I haven't met anyone I thought was that valuable.

We're supposed to get married and live with a spouse. Why? This would work really well for me, but why is it such that you never find non-married, non-romantic people living together in the long-term? I mean, they exist, but its rare.

There is much ado about the birth canals of human-monkey females. It speaks something to the human condition. On one hand, I can haughtily proclaim that it gives me great pleasure to see a girl, so wrapped up in her little world, undone in the humiliation of love, sex, and decay being exposed as a base footnote of evolution's greatest weapon, one that we who proclaim ourselves thinkers, rational custodians of civilization, are used by more so than use (for to what end could we?). (It gives me no pleasure, other than that of laughing at a fool of seeing boys similarly humiliated.) On the other, I am no less affected by this than anyone else. Sometimes I think....perhaps, that I should live only through my thoughts, my rationality, a meditative existence honing my primative thoughts for whatever (if anything) comes from the cessation of this mortal coil. But what is such a thought other than fiction, other than proclaiming a thing to be artificial in declaration of purest artificiality?

It does make me sad though, perhaps in a way that I will come to consider in great age part of the beauty of life, that these mating games are so tied to social happiness and identity. Mostly what I want is a friend. It makes me sad to think that I and others like me -- outcasts, those who think too much, those that refuse to buy the lies we are fed by those who believe they are in control -- get the shit end of the stick when it comes to finding a romantic companion, or really any companion at all.

I think about things. Too much, really. Recently I've been thinking over how most of my adult life I've held it against myself that I want for a girl to share life with. In fact, as a biological male homo sapien of a particular predisposition I am programmed to want for a girl to share life with. In this new age of empowerment [transition -> action], what should I do with this bit of knowledge?

Knowing that I'm programmed to want someone else in my life doesn't really make the want any less. It does give some perspective on things, though ... that life is a canvas and you may draw on it what you way. I could use my talents to play to finding some girl who is suitably esteemed to be by my side, to embody the roles that I'm programmed to need. But ... I want a friend. I want someone genuine. I want someone that would see through anything I would pretend to be. I want to be myself and be comfortable being myself around someone. I want someone to cherish and someone to grow old together with. Someone else with who we can laugh at how ridiculous life is together. Or I could live this life alone, unmarked, without my desires fulfilled, and it would make little difference.