I mostly go to bars because I feel its what normal people do.
Sometimes I like to be around people even when I don't intend to
interact with them.  I feel, maybe, it was once better -- loneliness,
that is -- and a guy could just sit at a bar alone without being
considered either an abomination or just there to pick up chicks.  I
notice how the bartender looks at me every so often when my eyes
wander in her direction.  She probably thinks I'm inwardly salivating
over her body (or the idea of her).  Truth is I'm just bored and need
a place to do noting.  I suppose I should meditate.  It'd be chearper
and I'd probably feel at least physically better.  I'm drinking
Guinness to help settle my stomach.  It's been acidic.  Happens on the
weekends, like my gastrionic nervous system knows that that is the
time allotted for unstable behaviour.  It works too, the Guinness.
Equalizes things.  The walking helps too.  Some days ... weekends
... all I want to do is lie down.  Sleep, with public radio in the
background so that I don't even have to hear my own thoughts.  But
nothing gets better that way.  Nothing gets worse either -- it is
life's fast-forward button.  "Skip these minutes."  What chrism said
about programming is probably true: wen you are enthused about coding,
you're not as productive.  It is only when coding ceases being
something you care about can you do a good job with it.  That probably
applies to other things too.  Those weren't his exact words.  I never
remember exact words.  I do remember things I don't want to remember.
Like ... my obsession.  Well, the two of them.  What strange
obsessions to have.  And how's the second one going?  I really did
feel like, in the NL, like a cycle had ended on that one.  I don't
know what that means.

The thing about California:  it's desolate.  Not in the way that there
isn't stuff.  But lives don't cross, at least they're not supposed
to.  When it happens at all it feels like an embarassing accident that
may just be better forgotten by both parties.  You can look ... you
can listen.  But never touching.  The girls talking oh so close to me
... the drunk guy sitting next to me in the bar ... they might want to
talk to me.  Or they might just say "fuck off".

Then there is coupling.  I'm a social animal.  I'm programmed to want
others around.  Being alone, independent, seems blatantly pointless.
To what end?  And yet, as my hourglass runs down I feel further from
wanting someone else. [If not her!]  Most human interactions are
pointless, and are, in fact, ways of avoiding actually interacting.
So to find someone to truly interact with, an ally, society has one
answer:  couple off.  Not that this is by no means guaranteed to
result in any real interaction!  If is just the only way of furthering
any real interaction that is alread there.  Sad, isn't it?  One
approach exists.  All other possibilities are might-have-beens.  Or
none at all.  And to have such matters depend on sex -- is she
beautiful? and other search criteria for procreation -- ridiculous.  I
don't want to procreate.  I want as little left behind as can be.
Look at the yellow nails and teeth!  Look at the mammary glands!  We
are animals. Those who deny this destroy civilization.