= Serious Clown Porn = "Clown porn is serious business." --- Scene I --- [ Setting: A porn set. A camera-man, Marco, is shooting a clown fucking a blond starlet who is moaning. ] [ Tony enters and walks to camera-man. Tony is putting on his clown costume/makeup. ] Tony: Am I late? Marco: Nah, we're just finishing up here. I ran outta film earlier so I had to reload. Blond: Oh, you big fucking clown! Oh! Stick your big clown dick deep inside me. Tony: How long does this go on? Marco: The fucking? Just another minute or so, the Dave starts friggin her clit with a joy buzzer. Then he comes on her. [ Dave starts friggin blond's clit with a novelty joy-buzzer. ] Blond: Oh, yeah! Make me come! Marco: Thing is, Dave's got this catheter stuck down his dick. So instead of really having to come, all he does is just press this button, right? And this rainbow colored goop shoots all over her. [pause] Then you're on. Tony: And that's what counts as entertainment nowadays? Marco: Hey, I don't write 'em. I just shoot 'em. Blond: Oh yeah baby! Cover with with rainbow colored come! I want to laugh and come at the same time! Tony: [chuckles] That's pretty funny. Is she improving out there? Marco: What, you think this shit's scripted? [ Dave shoots on the blond] You're up. Get into character. Tony: Hey, what we got after this? Marco: Dave's shooting a scene with Bobo. Eh...I just had breakfast so I'll spare you the details. Tony: Hey, uh, I don't mind at all. There's nothing worse than faggot clown porn. Marco: Tell me about it. [ Tony walks onto stage as Dave leaves. ] --- Scene II -- [ Setting: Same set, later. Tony is taking off his costume. Lenny enters from his office. ] Lenny: You did a great job out there today, kid. You're god's gift to naked clowns. [ Tony stops removing his constume and remains half in clown garb. ] Tony: Lenny! Good to see ya! Lenny: Yeah, you too, Tony. We've got a full schedule next week so I hope you're psyched. Tony: Eh, you know? Lenny: I don't hear enthusiasm. And being your manager its my business to know that if you ain't trippin' daisies then you got something on your mind. You got something on your mind, Tony? Tony: Well, you know... Remember what I asked about? Did you -- Lenny: Hey, Tony, I'm working on it. These things don't just happen overnight, you know. I mean, I've got connections, but it ain't like what it used to be. Tony: Hey, I'm not trying to complain or nothing, Lenny. I just figured you could get me a job doing some, you know, more conventional porn? Maybe something high class -- Lenny: I just don't understand what the big deal is. I treat you well, don't I? The hours ain't shit. I pay you well, right? I ain't never hear you complain once about all those zeros on your paycheck. Tony: No, Lenny, the pay's great. It isn't that at all. Lenny: Then what is it? Tony: It'd just be nice to have a job that's a little more, you know, dignified than clown porn. Lenny: What could be more dignified than clown porn? --- Scene III --- [ Setting: Same set, later. ] [ Marco is stuffing padded envelopes with VHS tapes. Tony enters. ] Marco: No shoot today, Tony. The film guy is outta town and Lenny doesn't want to pay full price for film. So he's off throwin' back $10 martinis and he's got me stuffing envelopes. You want $5 an hour, I'm sure he'll pay you, but you probably don't need no chump change what with your movie-star lifestyle and all. Tony: What can I say, Marco? I'm a regular Brad friggin' Pitt. [pause. looks around] Man, those are alot of envelopes. Marco: Just the usual orders. Tony: All these people order Lenny's tapes on a regular basis? Marco: What can I say, pal? Its a sick fucking world. Tony: And what are those sheets of paper you got there. Marco: Those are the addresses. Most guys would probably just pay to print up stickies. But you know Lenny -- he's paranoid and he's cheap. So I got to do 'em by hand. Get cramps for days after. Maybe I'll get that new kid to do it, if he comes by. Tony: Say, uh, Marco... How would you feel if I copied down some of those addresses? And maybe borrow that camera for the day? Marco: Well, how I would feel about it would be "No". Lenny would cut both of our balls off if he even heard us talking like that. Tony: He ain't here, Marco. If he's drinking martinis, his ass will be horizontal for days. Tell you what -- I'll give you a thousand bucks. Marco: Are you serious? Tony: Look at how many of those tapes there are. And how much does Lenny sell 'em for? Marco: Well, I ain't privy to that sort of information. Tony: But alot, right? Marco: Yeah, alot. Tony: I'll do a shoot, have the camera back by six tonight, and mister five-martini lunch won't be none the wiser. Marco: Told ya -- camera's outta film. Tony: Hey, I ain't Lenny. I'll go to a god-damn store and buy some. Marco: Do you even know how to work one of those things? Tony: Sure. I mean, its been awhile, but I'm sure I can throw it on a tripod and put together your basic shoot. I mean, it won't look professional or nothing, but its clown porn for god's sake! Who's gonna care? [ pause ] Tony: Tell you what -- if I make anything, I'll give you 5%. Marco: 10% and you have a deal. But I'll need some of that grand up front. [ Tony slaps some money into Marco's hand. ] Tony: Done. You won't regret this. [ Tony grabs the camera and tripod and leaves. ] Marco: I hope you're right. --- Scene IV --- [ Setting: Some alley, somewhere. ] [ Tony is walking by. Dave comes out from a door in a building wearing full clown regalia. ] Dave: Tony! Long time no see! [ Tony keeps walking. ] Tony: Hey, Dave, no time to chat, pal. [ Dave runs after him and puts his hand on Tony's shoulder. ] Dave: Woah, woah, Tony. Stop your bitch ass for a second. Of course there's time to chat. [ Tony slows and stops. ] Dave: Where've you been, man? You missed some shoots. Lenny's pissed. He wants to talk with you. Tony: Yeah, well, I've been doing other stuff. Tell Lenny no worries. Maybe we'll chat later. See ya, Dave. [ Tony starts walking off. Dave pulls out a gun. ] Dave: Hey, Tony. Turn around for just one second. [ Tony turns around. ] Tony: Woah, Dave! Is that some kinda prop? Does it shoot a little flag that says "bang"? Dave: No, Tony, its a Smith & Wesson .38. Tony: Ya gotta love the clowns! Work hard, play hard! [ Tony and Dave's conversation starts overlapping slightly ] Dave: What you think this is some kinda joke? Tony: What, you dressed up as a clown waving a gun at me? Yeah, that's a joke? Dave: You find this fucking amusing? You laughing, pal? You think this is funny? Tony: Oh, I think that [gestures at Dave] is hilarious. Yeah, I'm fucking laughing, Dave. Dave: You enjoy playing with your life? Tony: Oh, I'm gonna be killed by a clown gigalo! I'm so scared. [ conversations cease to overlap. ] Dave: Well you should be scared. [ Tony turns to go. Dave fires a warning shot. Tony turns back around. ] Tony: That's not funny, Dave! Dave: You're god-damned right that's not funny! Tony: I though clowns were supposed to be about gumdrop fairies and sunshine happiness. Dave: What are you on, pal? Now, you want to come talk to Lenny? Or would you rather be just another guy found in a back alley full of holes? --- Scene V --- [ Lenny's office. He's sitting at his desk. Two thugs stand on each side of the door. ] [ The door opens. Dave pushes Tony inside. ] Lenny: Tony! Tony: Lenny. Lenny: You try to screw me, pal. I found out about your misappropriations of addresses. Not to mention the borrowing of that camera over my head. Tony: How'd you find out? Lenny: Marco told me everything. I mean, he had to, right? Or it'd be his ass. But what first clued me in was the camera. Did you know that Marco was a junkie? I didn't know that? Not until he so politely told me after I broke his fucking fingers. But he took that cash you gave him and put it straight in his vein. It was enough to keep him all weekend. So, when I came in Monday, I knew something was awry. No Marco. No Tony. And the camera was fucking covered in clown makeup. At least wipe it off you dumb fuck. So when Marco dragged his ass in, after a little persuasion he told me all about your little scam. You're not a bright guy, Tony. You're the kinda guy that does real well when you shut up and do what you're told. So, as you might imagine, I was real fucking razzed when I got this letter from a client of mine: [ Lenny reads letter ] "I received a copy of 'Bozo does Bimbo' --" I really must complement you on your choice of title, by the way, that's a nice touch "-- and I certainly hope that this isn't one of your demos. Clown porn loses its ambiance --" got some classy clientelle here, using words like 'ambiance' "-- when there is no camera man to capture the full clown experience --" whatever that might mean "-- and the lighting was exceptionally poor. But the actor --" that'd be you, Tony "-- looks remarkably like your star, featured in such films as 'Killer Klown Komes on Kutie' (one of my personal favorites, by the way). If this is not one of yours, just let me be the first to say that you have no competition in the field. Sincerely..." da da da. [ Lenny puts down the letter and glares at Tony. long silence. ] Tony: Hey, Lenny, I was just trying to make a buck. Lenny: Yeah, by screwing me? Bad idea, Tony. Whenever a thought enters your empty fucking head, from now on you flush that shit right back down the toilet it came from. Clown porn is serious business. You fuck with me, you get screwed ten times over. And then some. I don't tolerate no two-bit fucks like you playing fucking clown games. [ stagehand opens door and walks in. ] stagehand: Marco just got here. We'll start the shoot. [ Lenny nods. stagehand exits. ] Tony: So you kept Marco on? Lenny: Yeah, I kept Marco on. He's got a bit of a different job description though. Now he sucks clown dick. You see, I'm expanding into the gay clown porn market -- that's a big market. I might even have a job for you, after I get done with done with you. Tony: What are you going to do to me? Lenny: Well, let's see. You insult me after I try so fucking hard to be nice to you. You betray me and try to make yourself like a big-time pornographer. And you mail my clients behind my back, which makes me look like a god-damned cocksucker in front of the whole industry. I'm gonna have to cut your dick off. [ The two thugs grab Tony and pull him kicking and screaming from the room. ] Tony: Lenny, be reasonable! Lenny! --- Scene VI --- [ Setting: Inside an abandoned warehouse. ] [ Tony wakes up and finds himself in a metal chamber. A masked 'doctor' walks in. ] Tony: Hey! What are you doing? Are you going to cut my dick off? I'll give you anything! Whatever Lenny's paying you, I'll double it. Triple it! Just put down the scalpel. At least give me some morphine! [ Tony screams. ] --- Scene VII --- [ Setting: same warehouse, later. ] [ 'doctor' opens up the metal chamber. Tony hobbles out, clutching at his crotch. ] [ 'doctor' begins kicking Tony in the ass to make him walk faster. ] Tony: Ow, quit it! Ow, quit it! This is a fucking joke! My manager can't cut my dick off --- Scene VIII --- [ Setting: back at the porn studio. There is a new camera man. Lenny is on set. A clown is fucking Tony up the ass, who is also dressed up as a clown. ] Tony: Oh, cram my ass as full as a clown car. Lenny: [ through a megaphone ] Like you mean it, Tonia! I hear amputee porn is all the rage nowadays. Wanna find out, you clown faggot?!? Tony: Oh, cram my ass as full as a clown car! [ and Tony gets it in THE END ]